i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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