bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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