FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
