Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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