So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
