Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
