i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he high fived his dick after we had sex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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