I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize