I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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