is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
