Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
