A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
