They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
