For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
