are you so shy because you have an std?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
