the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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