I want to walk on stilts...naked
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
