I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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