i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
