i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
In America we eat man semen.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize