Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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