Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
