First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
