I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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