If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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