I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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