I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
