I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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