Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
