first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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