the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
