New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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