Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
