Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
