go do what you do best...puke behind churches
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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