Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
