Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
