dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize