How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
