Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
