3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize