why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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