All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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