whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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