i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
