I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
