Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
