Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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