It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
