Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
