My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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