When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
