my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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