i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
