he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
