trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
