my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
